Speaker 1: 0:00

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Speaker 1: 1:03

The school year is officially wrapping up. Graduation is here and the month of May well, it just about took us out, didn't it? Between the banquets, final projects, end of year events, graduation prep and the emotional weight of watching our kids hit major milestones, it's no wonder so many moms feel completely spent right now. May always feels like a full-time job with overtime and zero rest. That's why I'm so glad to welcome back Dr Kelly Jamison to the show today. She's a therapist who works with teens and parents and has been seeing exactly what so many of us are feeling burned out, emotional and trying to figure out how to shift into summer mode without falling apart.

Speaker 1: 1:46

In this episode, we're talking about what happens when the dust settles. After Mabe Madness, we'll explore the emotional aftermath of graduation, the pressure to immediately launch into a perfect summer and what moms truly need at this moment. Spoiler, it's not another to-do list. So take a deep breath, grab a cup of coffee and join us for a much-needed conversation about how to decompress, reset and head into summer with grace, intention and maybe even a little excitement. Welcome back to the show, dr Jamison, thank you. So we're at the end of the month of May. Tomorrow is graduation and the last day of school for many of us out there, and May always is a rough month for us moms, so much so that it has its own name Maycember. Everybody I talk to talks about how rough this month is.

Speaker 2: 2:38

So tell us what you're seeing out there Exactly the same thing Every mom that I talk to, whether in session or at a mom's dinner with my own friends. Everyone is underwater.

Speaker 1: 2:50

Yes, yes, well, I first started noticing it when my daughter was in fourth grade. That's when I realized Mae was not my friend, and there was just so much going on. There was so much pomp and circumstances. There was a graduation ceremony for them, there was decorating the cars, there was this parade. I mean, one class party is one thing after another, and I was just frazzled and it hasn't changed since.

Speaker 2: 3:16

Exactly Precisely, I agree. You know I've been giving this a lot of thought since you invited me here today and I was thinking about what is different about December from May and all I can come up with is that December is festive, like everything is wrapped up in joy and giving right and the spirit of the season. And then May is celebratory and a lot of these things are final If it's a graduation or if it's closing down this grade or this grade. It's just a different mindset.

Speaker 2: 3:49

So December is kind of filled with joy in my mind it's my own personal theory and then May feels obligatory, like it's celebratory, it's this last time, it's this, it's closing this and for whatever reason. That feels like you cannot miss the things in May because you're not going to get another graduation, you're not going to get another eighth grade musical, but December you know the Jacksons are always going to have their Christmas party Like you can hit it next year if you can't quite make time in December. So there's something about feeling like you have to say yes to everything in May because it kind of feels final. You might get one shot at these events in May, whereas December is, you know, we're going to have the holidays every year.

Speaker 1: 4:34

Okay, that makes perfect sense. I actually wrote a column for Park City's People that ties in with the month of May and how exhausted moms are, and I started it out with saying May is basically December without the wrapping paper.

Speaker 2: 4:46

Right, yes, it's a perfect analogy, but I'm like, what is it? Because for me, december feels more fun, may feels exhausting.

Speaker 1: 4:54

Well, and I think what you're saying in May there's also so many emotions that we're feeling because of all the last. And even if we don't have a high school or a college graduate, every year is essentially a graduation your kid is wrapping up one year and going on to the other, which means they're growing up, which means that they're getting close to leaving the home, and all that. So there's always just this big whirlwind of emotions, especially for moms, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 5:20

Because maybe you loved your second grade teacher this year and maybe you heard that third grade is going to be such a big jump academically. You know, and you stress each other out. So you're right, it is kind of a final goodbye for each year.

Speaker 1: 5:33

Right, Absolutely Well. So what kind of advice do you have for us? It sounds like it's perfectly normal for us to be experiencing all these emotions. You're not crazy. Everyone else is feeling the same way you are, whether they're saying it or not. What kind of advice do you have for us?

Speaker 2: 5:49

Well, I think it's important to remember. I think what's on display in May for moms and parents is our executive functioning, which is this word we talk about with our students all the time, especially those with ADHD, who have lower executive functioning. But I really think the scheduling of all of these things and being at these places and getting our calendar right and showing up to meetings on time our executive functioning is on display. And, let's be honest, some people get this right all the time and some people don't. So some people are going to be more type A, some people are not. Maybe you have three, four or five children and you just cannot keep up right. We don't have executive assistance in our personal family calendar in the way that some of us have at work. So it's really how well are we organizing our time, managing our expectations and the logistics of getting places? So our executive functioning is on display. So I think it's really a measure of how good are we as adults at this, on this thing that we talk to our kids about constantly Time management, starting early work, things in chunks. The same thing is kind of what we're having to do with all of these events. So, with that being said, the advice is kind of all we're having to do with all of these events. So, with that being said, the advice is kind of all over the board, right.

Speaker 2: 7:13

So I actually was in my own mom group text yesterday. They were all talking about, you know, we're already signing up for senior portraits for next year and we're like can we just finish this year, exactly. So the moms are like I am so behind on all these things and I said this is so ironic because I'm doing a podcast interview tomorrow about May and I feel like I have no advice. And they're like oh girl, we have advice. So then they all started kind of flooding me with advice. I was like great, keep them coming. And some of them had really good tips and I'm like this is gold, right.

Speaker 2: 7:41

So basically, I think we all know it's common sense to lean heavily on your group text yeah, your mom group text, because there's reminders like hey, don't forget to sign up for this, Don't forget to order your Letterman jacket, don't forget, and those really save me specifically. So if people are not in some sort of parent mom group text, I think that's a goal for sure. Good. Also, texting yourself we all have these phones in front of us all the time. So I know many of us are lying in bed and that's usually when our brain starts to spin out. Yes, I mean, how many times do you reach over and make a note on your phone? Last night at 2.30 am.

Speaker 2: 8:19

You did. Oh yeah, yeah. Well, I was laying in bed last night thinking about this interview. I'm like, okay, I want to say this. I want to say this I text myself things. I don't use my notes app, I just like have myself as a contact. I will text myself things. So that's important. Some of my other friends said and again, we're in mid-May now, so maybe make a note of all this for next year but it was like don't make any appointments or do anything unnecessary in May. Right, like we don't need to be going to the dentist in May.

Speaker 2: 8:47

We don't need to be scheduling annual doctor's appointments or haircuts in May. We really have to drill down on kid events in May, because if you're doing all these other ancillary things that aren't necessary in May, you're just going to exhaust yourself for no reason. So I think that's really important too. Also is lean on your kind of type A mom friends who actually are going to get there early and sit in the front row and send you a good pic of your child walking across the stage getting some other award. But I think that's important too.

Speaker 2: 9:19

Someone else said something I think that was very important too, and it said because moms are so busy in May, we're not necessarily getting together on our own to kind of relieve the pressure valve, because we don't really have time to go happy hour or dinners, like maybe we do in February or January. So we're not normalizing the experience. I mean, we are really staying connected by showing up to things and sitting together and looking at each other being like, oh my gosh, this is all too much, or the group text. But I thought that was an important point, that we're not really just sitting around normalizing the experience and taking the pressure off. We don't have time to do that, so it's just this big rat race until June, basically, where we can take a breath Right.

Speaker 1: 10:02

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Speaker 1: 11:02

Martha from the Bubble Lounge sent you Well, so I can count on me always having what I would call a nervous breakdown every May, like clockwork, and for me it happened just yesterday. There was a series of things leading up to it, but this ties in with what you were saying about our executive functioning, those ladies I can't quite pull it off. But what really got me yesterday was I had, in my opinion, engaged a college advisor when my son was in eighth grade because we weren't really happy with who we chose for my daughter. And I saw this woman speak and we'd emailed a couple of times. And then I check in with her just yesterday and she said I can't take new clients on. Then I check in with her just yesterday and she said I can't take new clients on and I'm like what I engaged you years ago and apparently I didn't.

Speaker 1: 11:55

Apparently, I didn't make it official, so she didn't have me on her radar and she had a lot of reasons why she couldn't take on anymore, and I just lost it. I just started bawling because I'm not usually on top of things that early, and the one time I thought that I was and I was nailing it, I still screwed it up. It's just so frustrating. So do you have any insights, tips or resources for those of us that are not the type A and aren't staying on top of things? Right?

Speaker 2: 12:24

Well, I had what I think is a genius idea last night, and that is you know, I'm on my freshman daughter about getting a job this summer and I keep saying to her you better hurry before these college kids get home in early May and they're going to take all the good jobs, right? So I'm sitting there last night and I'm thinking you know, tips, advice, I think if I'm one of these college kids, a perfect job, a little side hustle, if you will, in May, because they're usually home the first, second week of May is for some of these college girls to literally market themselves to moms like us, working moms, whose kids are in elementary, middle, high school, as some sort of you know. When they're little, they call them what are they called? Mommy's helpers, or something, uh-huh. When they're little, they call them what are they called? Mommy's helpers, or something.

Speaker 2: 13:09

Okay, someone needs to rebrand this for these college girls who come home in May fresh off the books and they're just kind of hanging out, like you know, having dinner with friends. If they could, if we could hire one of them, yeah, and said here's the deal, I need 10 teacher gifts. Go get some gift cards, make it cute. I need those by Friday, right? Or hey, I need you to go to Party Bazaar, I need these balloons, I need 50 tablecloths. Don't you think that that is such a genius idea for these college girls to come home? Absolutely brilliant, I know, really brilliant. I think they should get on it. I can't quite think of a cute name for it, but maybe someone else can do it. Chat GPT can help us, right, but they're called like mommy's helpers when they're little. But we in the month of May wouldn't you love to send, like, a college girl on all these errands, I think that.

Speaker 1: 14:00

That's brilliant, because it's all that last minute stuff that you didn't think about, and all the footwork you have to do the tablecloths, the gifts, deliver the gifts, all that that's what all compounds and makes us so stressed out.

Speaker 2: 14:13

That's right because we have this mental load. We're trying to help our kids get things done school-wise. We're also trying to keep their momentum because they are just cooked by the end of the year. Yeah, but there's all this. I was at Stein's Bakery yesterday like begging for them to make our lacrosse team a cake for Saturday, and they looked at me like I was crazy. They're like, lady, it's May. I was like I know, but we didn't know we needed this cake. So I basically begged the manager to make us a cake, but they were just looking at me like I had three heads. I could imagine. They're like we don't have time to make one. It's May. I was like I know, but so I think that's a genius business idea. It really is For a college kid to come home and say what do you need? Even if it's like can you pick up my dry cleaning? Right, can you run to Central Market? I need this, this and this. Can you imagine? I just think that's a brilliant idea.

Speaker 1: 15:02

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Speaker 1: 15:31

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Speaker 2: 16:28

Well, I think it's important to give yourself a reprieve. You know, for example, memorial Day always creeps up on me. I never have plans on Memorial Day and then it rolls around and all these people have these lake trips and weekend trips and I'm like how did you guys have the foresight to plan something at the end of May, like it literally blows my mind every year. But then Memorial Day comes around and I'm just like have the foresight to plan something at the end of May, like it literally blows my mind every year. But then Memorial Day comes around and I'm just like you know what? I'm fine with this, this is okay. So I think it's okay to give yourself a little break and to not think, you know, it's called a transition for a reason.

Speaker 2: 17:06

We end the school year, our chemical and electrical systems of our brains and our bodies are exhausted. We need some downtime. So I would recommend to anyone give yourself a little break and breather and then kind of ease yourself into summer, unless you are a divorced family where your weeks are already set, or you have a second home somewhere and you guys know you always go there, or two working parents and your younger kids have to be in camps every single week, right. Those things are kind of set, sure, and I remember those days where we were booked in April for every camp when the kids were little. But now it's like it's okay to just not have plans and to give yourself a little break, and I think that's important. You need to recalibrate and give your systems a reset. So I would encourage anyone to just kind of go dark for a little bit and go quiet and allow yourself to reset, and I think that's important for the kids too.

Speaker 1: 18:07

Yeah, yeah. Everyone needs a break and maybe even throw in a little self-care in there somewhere.

Speaker 2: 18:13

Exactly. I mean, I have people on my couch who already know, like, their plans for Fourth of July and I'm just sitting there thinking, wow, number one, I'm impressed, but number two, like I'm not going to feel guilty because I don't know what I'm doing on the 4th of July just yet. It really is okay. Right, it's okay, it is okay. I mean, the summers are designed to provide balance.

Speaker 2: 18:37

Yeah, to kind of offset the crazy year that we just had. Yeah, like, let's take advantage of that and not think that the summers need to emulate the school year. I mean, it's unsustainable.

Speaker 1: 18:48

We all need a break. Well, that's kind of funny because literally just yesterday, my 16-year-old son said Mom, you talk a lot about type A moms and you not being one. What exactly does that mean? And I referenced, you know, these women that are just really on top of things. They plan out their whole year advance. They have travel plans, they have camp plans, all the things are planned, and the Jacksons just kind of wing it, kind of go with the flow and make it up as we go along and he's like, oh okay, yeah, you definitely aren't a type A mom.

Speaker 2: 19:18

Right and you know we're like that with everything and that's okay. There's not a right or wrong way to do things. I mean, I have a rising senior, so we already have spring break booked for next year Graduation party and those of us in our friend group who are not type A are like this is insane, but it's also necessary to do so for those things. Yeah, but if you've got like, you know, a rising sixth grader or something like, it's okay to just relax for a second, just pause, right, just pause.

Speaker 1: 19:47

Well, what you said right there, with the planning of the graduation things a year in advance, she is dead on. So anyone that has a senior next year, start booking your venues, country clubs, whatever special things you're doing. Go ahead and do that now. I agree because I was so thankful and my daughter's friend group there was type A moms that took care of that because they started talking about it a year in advance and I'm thinking why on earth do we need to think about this now? Let's finish this year, then we can think about that. But thank goodness they were so on top of it.

Speaker 2: 20:18

I remember in my group text someone's like what are you all talking about? We literally just wrapped prom and it was like the next morning it was like, okay, next year. And one of the moms said, let's all just get it set so that we can enjoy senior year. And I thought, okay, well, that's valid too. That's valid too. But you know, I think parents that are a little bit further down the road than us will tell us you know, this is all temporary and it feels very frenetic and overwhelming and like a lot, but then you'll wake up one day and it's quiet, yeah, and you'll wish it was crazy and loud and you wish you were running back and forth from event to event. So it's also kind of just being present and appreciate having your kids in your house Right and appreciating this time that we have with them, because it is, in fact, temporary.

Speaker 1: 21:09

Yeah, yeah, you're right. We just did an episode recently about empty nesters and I had two moms in the neighborhood on and they were very positive about it. But they did say you know it was a transition. It took a little getting used to because of the calm and the quiet Like I literally don't know what I'm going to do without having to be on top of calendars for multiple people. That's going to be like hard to get used to and also so refreshing.

Speaker 2: 21:33

Right. Yes, I think people are on both sides of the coin with it, but that's life. You know different chapters and different seasons, and I think the goal is to be adaptable and flexible and just be grateful for each season, right.

Speaker 1: 21:48

Definitely. Well, let's talk just a little bit more about senior year. I remember my daughters that I just felt like this emotional mess and I think what your friend said there on your group text is trying to get as much done beforehand as possible so you can actually enjoy the season. I think that that is really good advice.

Speaker 2: 22:07

Yeah, and I think the moms already are starting to get emotional, like this is so sad. And you know, as the therapist in the group I said guys, we cannot start all of this. Like you know, we can't talk about how sad this is, like we're going to have a fun year, we have to be grateful for this friend group and grateful for this experience and we cannot start. I mean, we were mid junior year, you know, starting to talk about next year, and all of a sudden the messages started coming in about this is so sad and I'm like no, no, no, no, we can't do that yet. There will be a time for that, but it is not.

Speaker 2: 22:43

You know, midway through junior year where we're starting the final descent. You know it's not like they're leaving us forever. So you know the emotionality is coming, but it's also it's like the yin and yang of the emotionality. Like you're so happy and excited for them because you know they're ready, yeah, like you know they're ready and we're visiting colleges and they're talking about their future and what they want to major in, but it's also really sad. So it's balancing that and there's going to be moms who are really good about balancing and managing their emotions and those that aren't Right. So but we have to. Just I'm trying to lean, because I'm sort of a crier myself. I'm trying to lean into the fun of it all rather than the sadness that we're about to launch our first kid.

Speaker 1: 23:31

Okay, so I do remember there was some moms that every single event, this is the last first football game, this is the last second football game. I mean every little thing and I was trying to go in, you know, focusing on the positive as well. But I think for my group text, I'm going to need to make sure that we have a therapist in there, because we need a voice of reason like what your group text has. Yeah, they're lucky to have you. Well, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 2: 23:56

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Speaker 1: 23:58

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Speaker 1: 24:37

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Speaker 2: 25:18

Right. So I think it's important for moms you know, we kind of have a rhythm to our weeks, we kind of know what we generally do, even if we have kids and sports and tutoring and all the things. It's important to have what we call like weekly anchors, and those are things that, despite everything that's going on, you still know that you're going to do these things and that's going to be really important foundationally to help moms keep their sanity and not feel like the month has completely gotten out of control. So those things are going to be, for example, grocery store on Sunday, right. Or family dinners on Sunday night, even if it's eight o'clock at night, or maybe it's going to be, you know, wednesday everyone throws a load of laundry in. Or it's going to be, you know, wednesday everyone throws a load of laundry in. Or it's going to be like your grocery order. Or for me it's that Monday morning or even Sunday morning, I try to get up earlier than everyone else and get all my emails cleaned out just to make my own to-do list. Not that I've hit all the to-do lists, but that's just kind of an anchor for me. It's like I know I'm going to get up and make a list, like on these legal sheets right here and that's what I know kind of anchors me. So things that you know to be true and helpful to you, specifically each week. Hang on to those things. Those are going to be important Also in terms of you know, there's so much gift giving and there's so many notes of gratitude that we're all trying to get through by the end of May.

Speaker 2: 26:46

We want to thank all of our teachers, we want to thank all of our coaches, we want to make sure all of our extended family has their graduation cards in the mail, and those little kind of one-off things can be really overwhelming too. So I mean, honestly, it's too late now to do this for this year, but if we want to make a note for next year, it's going to be how to batch those things. For example, I was at Trader Joe's Sunday night and I was checking out and they had the cutest graduation cards right there above the mints and I thought that's so cute. I don't, honestly, I don't really have anyone in my circle that's graduating this year, like it's all coming as a wave next year. So I bought up like all the graduation cards at the Trader Joe's checkout and I'm just going to stash those for next year.

Speaker 1: 27:29

Well, you better put a note. So you're from, I know where I put them. I forget sometimes when I do that.

Speaker 2: 27:34

Exactly yes. So things like that Just to kind of just order ahead. You know Amazon is your friend, go ahead and over order. Order ahead. You know Amazon is your friend, go ahead and over order Now also.

Speaker 2: 27:47

I was a teacher for a long time before. I was a therapist, and we are teachers are inundated with gifts at the end of the year and, as parents, we want to make our gifts look cute. Right, we want to put the clear bags, we want to put the crinkle cut in the bottom, we want to cue the. I'm telling you teachers are like that's so cute, but you're getting like 30 of these. So it's like cut, cut, cut. Take the Starbucks gift card out, take the Barnes and Noble gift card out, save the handwritten note, but everything goes immediately in the trash.

Speaker 2: 28:13

So I would tell you, as parents, don't overthink the presentation. It's going to be the gratitude that's going to be the most important. Teachers want to read the little note from the parent or the student, okay, and then they're going to hang on to the gift card. Everything else goes immediately into the trash. So there's not a ton of contemplation on the presentation of the gifts, okay, because teachers want to clean up their classrooms too, and they want to get out of there too. So they're trying to downsize and clean up just as much too. So don't overthink the presentation of things. Just remember that the note in what you're saying is going to be the heart of the matter too. So I would say batch things as much as you can. There's a couple moms on Instagram who they do this post Christmas, like they kind of buy up stuff and then they hang on to it for teacher's gifts. So those are great ideas too. But just to review kind of like big calendar things I don't know about you, but I still have a big paper calendar in my kitchen.

Speaker 1: 29:12

I do that.

Speaker 2: 29:13

So when we're at a dinner and all these moms are whipping out their phones and I'm like I'm going to have to get back to you.

Speaker 1: 29:18

Oh my gosh. Yes, I do that too.

Speaker 2: 29:19

I have to check my big paper calendar in the kitchen Plus, everyone kind of my kids all hang out in the kitchen so and they always linger over and look at the calendar and it's helpful, right. So I'm a big proponent of the big paper calendar. And then those weekly anchors batching things, ordering things in advance, and if you can snag a college girl who's home bonus points.

Speaker 1: 29:43

Yes, I think there's so much work to be had for that person. Absolutely, it's a great idea. Well, thank you so much for being here today. You're really going to help us get through these last parts of May and on to June and the summer. I love everything you had to say. Thank you, good luck to everybody. Yes, take a deep breath everyone and enjoy. We've almost made it. That's been another episode of the Bubble Lounge. I'm Martha Jackson and I'll see you next time.